Affirmation and Acceptance (A Man's Perspective)

 Affirmation and acceptance are the doorway to freedom and security in a relationship. If they are lacking, trust will be shaky and communication will be full of tension and hesitation. But if affirmation and acceptance are present in a relationship, vulnerability becomes safer and embarrassment is no longer a hindrance to true self-expression.

When I say “affirmation,” what I mean is affirming someone’s worth and value. You can do it through words or gestures. When Asia affirms me, she communicates that I am someone worthy of admiration and respect. When I affirm Asia, I communicate that she is a unique, invaluable treasure, a “rose among thorns,” as Solomon puts it (Song of Songs 2:2). Everyone wants to be cherished and respected. You can see it everywhere. Many athletes put in massive amounts of time in practice in order to be respected and valued as a competitor. Artists do the same. Often, a guy will sleep with loads of women in order to feel affirmed as a man; and a woman will lie with many men, or even just one man, in order to feel treasured.

A healthy relationship is a place where both guy and girl feel cherished. Tommy Nelson, a pastor (maybe retired??) in Texas, says that a woman’s greatest need is tenderness and a man’s greatest need is respect. Tenderness and respect make women and men feel valuable. Words cannot express how much I love Asia for the way she affirms me as a man. When she tells me what she admires about me, my confidence meter measurement jumps to over 9000! And because I love her, her words of affirmation mean 70 bajillion times more to me than anyone else’s.

Words aren’t the only way to affirm someone’s value. Acts of service, making room in your schedule, and listening also communicate someone’s worth to you. As a couple, you should strive to communicate how much you mean to each other through both words and actions.

However, The ultimate affirmation for every man and woman is never found in a relationship, but in Jesus. When we look at Jesus Christ, His person and work, we see a love that is literally otherworldly in its affirmation. Jesus is the image of the invisible God (Col 1:15) and Creator of the universe (Col 1:16, John 1:1-3). He is the God of all that exists. Jesus looked at us and saw our brokenness. He saw how sinful we are and how much we long to be loved with an eternal love. And in spite of our insignificance and hideousness, He loved us. He loved us so much that He wanted us to experience His beauty and delight in all that He is, but our great sin prevented this Holy God from being with us. So the God of the universe left Heaven, where He is praised and worshipped as God, and came to earth to die an inconceivably painful death, bearing the punishment for all our sin. Just so we can be with Him. The God of Heaven and earth, the most perfect, desirable, beautiful person who could possibly exist, died for you. He took lashes to his back from a whip made with bone and metal fragments on the end. He was mercilessly beaten and mocked. His body was so abused that He didn’t even look like a man (Is 52:14) as He hung on the cross. But He did so because He wanted you to experience His beauty and delight in His love. This is the ultimate affirmation; the perfect God gave Himself for you and I, mere mortal men.

 Acceptance is a deeper reality in a relationship, more of an attitude as opposed to a set of actions. You can’t see it or hear it (if you’re observing a couple), but you know when it’s present in your own relationship. Acceptance says “I have seen you for who you truly are. I see your strengths and weaknesses, your flaws and imperfections. As bad as those things may be, I love you and accept you for who you are anyway.” When this attitude is present in a relationship, both the man and the woman are free to be vulnerable and honest with each other, because the fear of rejection is gone. I am no longer afraid of whether or not she will accept me for who I am, because she already does! I don’t have to hide my flaws and shortcomings. I don’t leave them as they are, I seek to improve in those areas of my life. But in my improvement, I don’t strive for acceptance. I’ve already been accepted.

In our relationship, I struggle with this the most. This isn’t because Asia doesn’t love and accept me, but because sometimes I don’t love and accept myself. I get easily embarrassed by my own imperfections and shortcomings. When they’re exposed, I run and hide like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. I try to cover them up and ignore them. Why? Because I don’t want to accept them. I want to look perfect, as if I have it all together. Just like Adam and Eve. When they sinned and became imperfect, they became embarrassed and afraid. They knew about His holy perfection and righteousness. They knew the penalty for disobedience. God would never love them again. How could He, with their naked hideousness? They doubted God’s love and mercy. So they hid from God. When the consequences of their mistake (realizing their nakedness) manifested, they still rejected honesty before God, blaming each other instead. So they were kicked out of the Garden.

That is our great fear, being kicked out of the garden. When my imperfections are displayed, I fear being rejected. I doubt Asia’s love and mercy, just as Adam and Eve doubted the love and mercy of God. At this point, a sort of paradox is brought to the forefront. Adam and Eve acted in fear and pride, deciding to accept and own up to their shortcoming, which led to their greatest fear becoming reality. When we come to God, being honest about our sin, He accepts us. I’ve experienced this many times in our relationship. I mess up, I get embarrassed and hold it in, things get worse. But when I am honest and straightforward about my imperfections, Asia demonstrates God’s love and mercy in the most beautiful way. So the key to acceptance is to first realize that God accepts you in Christ and that you can accept yourself, flaws and all. Then you can demonstrate the Gospel in your relationship by being vulnerable with your lover, and experiencing the liberating love that person has for you.