Boundaries in a Courtship (A Man's Perspective)

The area of boundaries is probably one of the most important topics a couple will face on their way to marriage. The way boundaries are approached, set, and handled is one of the primary factors in how successful the relationship will be in areas of purity (whether that be spiritual, emotional, or physical purity). If that be the case, how are we to think about boundaries and use them in a God-glorifying way?

There are a few passages that have helped me think through this topic.

First, let’s consider Ephesians 5:25-27. It says “25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (ESV)” Here, there is a command, an example, and purpose, and an ultimate goal. The command is for husbands to love their wives. Now obviously in courtship, the two of you aren’t married. However, courtship is preparation for marriage and therefore some habits need to be established to serve as a foundation for marriage. This love is agape love, the unconditional love that seeks to meet the needs of others. As a guy in a committed courtship, this is my mindset, I am to love my girlfriend in a selfless, unconditional way.

How do we do this? “…Just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” In our love, we give ourselves up to and for the woman we love. Our example is motivated by the sacrificial love of Jesus, which compelled Him to leave the glorious splendors of heaven and the joyful communion of the Trinity so that He could come and bear God’s wrath for our sin and reconcile our relationship with him. Now although we cannot die and bear God’s wrath for anyone’s sin and reconcile the breach between God and man like Jesus, we can, by God’s grace and Christ’s example, give ourselves up for the woman we are courting. In relation to boundaries, this means putting your own pleasures and desires aside for her good. At the beginning of our relationship, I wanted to do things like hold hands and wrap my arms around Asia’s waist, but that wasn’t good for her purity, so I could not (and still cannot) allow those things to take place. I had to give up my own preferences and desires for the sake of her purity because that’s what Jesus Christ did for the church. Her purity is really a matter of life or death, just as the church’s purity was/is a matter of life or death to Jesus.

The purpose of Christ’s selfless, sacrificial love is found in verse 26, “…that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” This is why Christ gave himself up. He wants to sanctify us and purify us through the truth. This means Jesus wants to set us apart for fellowship with and obedience to God, purifying us of the filthy guilt and presence of sin in our lives. This is our purpose. This is why we give our preferences and desires up, because we want her to be in deeper fellowship with and more obedient to God. If you don’t want this for her, you don’t love her. As a matter of fact, if you hold her back from this fellowship and obedience, you are withholding what she really needs. You are restraining her from experiencing the joy and love of God that comes through knowing Him. For me, this was a tough pill to swallow, because I had to realize that if I truly want what is best for her, I will help her be more like Jesus. What’s best for her is not for her to be thrilled with my love for her, or to be head over heels in love with me, or for her to want to find her fulfillment and satisfaction in me. That’s how she needs to feel about Jesus. So even in setting boundaries, I need to ask myself how I can preserve her purity and encourage her to delight ultimately in Jesus, not in me. That cannot and will not happen if I am defiling her purity.

Christ’s goal in loving us, dying for us, and sanctifying us is “so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” One day, the bride of Christ will be presented to Him (Rev. 19:6-9) and she will be beautiful and pure. In courtship, when our bride walks down the aisle, we want her to be presented to us as a wonderful, spotless, undefiled bride. This is our goal, to be pure before God in marriage. We do not only look forward to our own marriage, but to that ultimate day, when both we and our wives will be presented to Christ, we strive to be pure for that day.

So remember, Jesus died for this woman so that he would make her pure. Would you go against God and defile her purity, belittling the death of Christ? This is the message of 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. The body of the woman we court doesn’t belong to her, and it doesn’t belong to us either. It belongs to Jesus, who purchased it with His blood on the cross. Therefore, we are to glorify God in the way we treat it.

Another passage that has helped me think about boundaries is found in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, which says “3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body  in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;6 that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” Do you hear what is said in verse 6? If I make a habit of causing this daughter of God to stumble in sexual immorality, GOD HIMSELF WILL ACT WITH VENGEANCE. The Lord God Omnipotent, who created the world with no effort at all, who is unmatched and boundless in power, He will avenge her purity. Now this vengeance is not an act of eternal judgement or punishment; all that was handled in Christ. However, some form of chastening will come to the one who violates a sibling in Christ in this way. Also, notice what is emphasized here, “your sanctification” in verse 4, “that each once…control his own body in holiness and honor,”  “God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.” All these words are versions of the Greek word “hagios,” which refers to being set apart as a child of God and bride of Christ for obedience to and fellowship with God. It keeps coming back to that. We have been purchased by the blood, so our lives no longer belong to sinful flesh, but to God.

I know that was a lot, and if you have made it this far, I applaud you for your stamina! However, be diligent in considering these things and meditate on them, because having this sort of mindset will help all areas of your relationship.