Skip to main content

Airing Out the Dirty Laundry (A Man and Woman's Perspective)

By

(A Man's Perspective- Greg Hutchins)
 A healthy courtship needs to be founded on a foundation of trust and purity, so taking care of “dirty laundry” is something that needs to take place early on. Your dirty laundry consists of all the things in your past relationships that may have hurt you or caused you to stumble in any way. Things like sexual partners, STD’s, and other relationships fall into this category. Basically, any “skeletons in the closet” need to be exposed. Other hindrances to intimacy and purity, like masturbation and pornography should also be discussed during this time.
The purpose of taking care of dirty laundry is to clear the air, establish trust, and give you a clearer picture of the person you’re pursuing marriage with. As a guy, you want to know if the woman you’re courting has any sexual history and if she’s been scarred emotionally in any way. Knowing this not only allows you to know more about her as a woman, but also shows you how you can serve her and protect her more effectively. If you know she has serious trust issues because of things that have taken place in her past, you know that you may need to be more aware of things you do with other women, as well as how you should communicate and help her feel more secure in the relationship. Knowing her sexual history will give you a heads up about how she feels about sex and how you will be able to serve her better in marriage. If she has a rough history, meaning there’s trauma or she’s just had bad experiences with sex, then you know you may need to be more patient with her in this area in the future. This time also allows you to know if you need to take a step back or approach the relationship with a bit more prudence.  
Now for some guidelines:
Both the guy and the girl should air their dirty laundry around the same time. It does not have to be at the exact same time, but it definitely should not be more than a day or so between the two. Guys, it is crucial at this time to be extremely patient and considerate of her emotions. Realize that this is hard for her, she is making herself terribly vulnerable. This is an opportunity for you to love her and be tender with her, to protect her and show her that you still think she’s wonderful, scars and all. Also, don’t be so hasty to react to the things you hear. We all have a past and just because you’ve been getting to know her more intimately doesn’t mean you won’t get caught off guard by things that have happened in the past.
I cannot stress enough the importance of prayer here. Both of your minds need to be focused on the grace of God in Christ and what God’s will is for the relationship. Prayer will also help keep your mindset where it needs to be, which is on God. Guys, take the lead here, you need to be in prayer before the conversation, and the two of you may need to pray together before and after.
Be honest and completely forthcoming. Don’t hold back, if you feel like you should say it, then do it. Satan would love nothing more than to capitalize on your holding back and not being entirely honest. If either of you have questions, ask respectably and with great tenderness. Both parties are dangerously fragile, and an offending word could do serious damage during this time.  Also, realize that this is a profound opportunity to develop intimacy and trust in the relationship.
Due to the high levels of emotion and vulnerability this conversation may provoke, this conversation should be held off until you think you want to seriously pursue marriage with this person. Otherwise, you may overload the relationship by going to deep, too soon.
(A Woman's Perspective- Asia Williams)
Before I entered my first and last Christ-centered relationship with Greg, there had been a string of worldly relationships. These relationships caused a lot of brokenness, confusion, pain, and growth. I knew that what had happened in my past relationships, (all which were before I had an intimate relationship with Christ), could potentially shape the way I would act or react in my relationship with Greg. What I knew and learned about those relationships were all influenced by the way that society thinks relationships should be established (i.e., sex before marriage is okay, women pursuing men is okay, shaping the guy into what you want him to be, etc.). These things were all aspects that contributed to my parting ways with my former boyfriends and men that I found interest in enough to get to know.
I knew that Greg had nothing to do with the past relationships and I knew that I did not want the brokenness, confusion, and pain that I endured before him to be a part of the relationship in a manner that would affect him. My past mistakes were not his fault.
I had been a part of two dynamic bible studies (Tommy Nelson’s “A Study in the Song of Solomon” and Matt Chandler’s “The Mingling of Souls (Song of Solomon Study)”) and they both discussed Song of Solomon 2:15 “Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes.” (NKJV) Tommy Nelson suggests, “as a couple courts one another and draws closer to a point of ultimate commitment, the protection of the relationship is critical. This is where we must be aware of the “little foxes” in our relationship, and one of the most common is pre-marital sex.” It was important for me to discuss my past with Greg, so that those “little foxes” would not harm what God would be creating in Greg and I as a courting couple.
Two days after Greg and I began our courtship, I sent him an email airing out my dirty laundry. The email included detailed information about my past relationships, past immorality, past impurities, and my male best friend. It was important that I share all of this with Greg very early on to be fair to him. To give him time to digest my past and to see if he wanted to pursue a future with me. Not only did it give him an opportunity to get to know the woman I was before I surrendered my life to Christ, it gave me the awesome opportunity of coming clean about everything and not feeling as though Satan had any information to convince me to hide from Greg. It was all on the table. I felt free. My past struggles and sin were laid out and I was very happy about it.
Not only did I air out my dirty laundry at the very beginning of our courtship, but Greg did as well. I remember feeling very uncomfortable listening to him tell me about his past relationships, past immorality, and past impurities, in detail. It bothered me so much to hear some of the things he was saying because he was now “my” boyfriend. However, what a blessing it was. I was so thankful that he was open, honest, and willing to share this with me. It felt like Christ was giving us, as a couple, the new pure and clean beginning that He gave us when we accepted his selfless sacrifice of dying for our sins. I felt closer to Greg! He knew me inside out and I knew him inside out! There were no secrets hidden to come out in the open later in the relationship. No potential things held back that could hurt each other. We decided to lay it all out very early on and not wait until premarital counseling for our dirt to come out. Those “little foxes” would not be allowed to “spoil the vines; for our vines have tender grapes”.
We encourage you as a single to consider airing out your dirty laundry when you do begin a courtship. We also encourage you if you are in a courtship to consider discussing your dirty laundry with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Pursue God early on, as well as throughout your relationship, so that together you both can grow closer to each other as you grow closer to Christ.
“Catch the foxes for us,
The little foxes that are ruining the vineyards,
While our vineyards are in blossom.”- Song of Solomon 2:15 (NASB)
Here are some free resources on the bible studies I discussed. They are so worthwhile!
Tommy Nelson (free podcast) also available on DVD “A Study in the Song of Solomon” : https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/denton-bible-church-love-song/id148822180
Tommy Nelson
Senior Pastor
Denton Bible Church
Matt Chandler “The Mingling of Souls (Song of Solomon Study): http://www.gotothehub.com/the-mingling-of-souls-free-teaching-by-matt-chandler/
Matt Chandler
Lead Pastor
The Village Church

Comments

  1. NephDecember 19, 2013 at 8:58 PM

    Nice perspectives on this topic! Would you recommend doing these studies by yourself or with your significant other?

    ReplyDelete
  2. A HDecember 19, 2013 at 10:08 PM

    Thank you Neph! I would recommend doing both. It is a good idea to prepare your mind as a single before courting and to seek to study purity as a couple. Studying purity together will help ensure that you both are on the same page about being intentional about each others purity.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Boundaries in a Courtship (A Woman's Perspective)

By
 In regards to a biblical courtship, this topic has to be one of my favorites. A courtship that is without boundaries is bound to lead to trouble in purity (hahaha… nice play on words right?… not trouble in paradise, but…Yea…okay). It is very important for both the man and the woman to discuss, agree, and intentionally implement boundaries to make certain that honoring God and each other’s purity are most important. Greg and I talked about implementing boundaries within the first few weeks of our courtship. Together we discussed the boundaries that we wanted to implement in our courtship and why we wanted to implement them. Here is the list of boundaries that Greg and I agreed upon, early on in our courtship. 1.      We would not kiss each other (lips, cheek, hand, anywhere) until our wedding day. 2.      We would not hold hands. 3.      We would not talk with each other until we had first spent...
3 comments
Read more

Boundaries in a Courtship (A Man's Perspective)

By
The area of boundaries is probably one of the most important topics a couple will face on their way to marriage. The way boundaries are approached, set, and handled is one of the primary factors in how successful the relationship will be in areas of purity (whether that be spiritual, emotional, or physical purity). If that be the case, how are we to think about boundaries and use them in a God-glorifying way? There are a few passages that have helped me think through this topic. First, let’s consider Ephesians 5:25-27. It says “ 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (ESV)” Here, there is a command, an example, and purpose, and an ultimate goal. The command is for husbands to love their...
3 comments
Read more

Affirmation and Acceptance (A Man's Perspective)

By
 Affirmation and acceptance are the doorway to freedom and security in a relationship. If they are lacking, trust will be shaky and communication will be full of tension and hesitation. But if affirmation and acceptance are present in a relationship, vulnerability becomes safer and embarrassment is no longer a hindrance to true self-expression. When I say “affirmation,” what I mean is affirming someone’s worth and value. You can do it through words or gestures. When Asia affirms me, she communicates that I am someone worthy of admiration and respect. When I affirm Asia, I communicate that she is a unique, invaluable treasure, a “rose among thorns,” as Solomon puts it (Song of Songs 2:2). Everyone wants to be cherished and respected. You can see it everywhere. Many athletes put in massive amounts of time in practice in order to be respected and valued as a competitor. Artists do the same. Often, a guy will sleep with loads of women in order to feel affirmed as a ma...
2 comments
Read more