Boundaries in a Courtship (A Woman's Perspective)

 In regards to a biblical courtship, this topic has to be one of my favorites. A courtship that is without boundaries is bound to lead to trouble in purity (hahaha… nice play on words right?… not trouble in paradise, but…Yea…okay). It is very important for both the man and the woman to discuss, agree, and intentionally implement boundaries to make certain that honoring God and each other’s purity are most important.

Greg and I talked about implementing boundaries within the first few weeks of our courtship. Together we discussed the boundaries that we wanted to implement in our courtship and why we wanted to implement them.

Here is the list of boundaries that Greg and I agreed upon, early on in our courtship.

1.     We would not kiss each other (lips, cheek, hand, anywhere) until our wedding day.

2.     We would not hold hands.

3.     We would not talk with each other until we had first spent time with God (reading the Word/personal studies).

We still honor two of the three boundaries above (17 months later). Can you guess which one did not last long?

It was boundary #3 (would not talk with each other until we had first spent time with God (reading the Word). Here is why boundary #3 did not last long.

I had a conversation “with” Greg about how I felt that boundary #3 was leading me to rush the time I spent with God just to talk with him. For example: There were days where I was unable to read my Bible in the morning and I also neglected to spend time with God throughout the day. As a result of not spending time with God first, according to our boundary I was unable to text or talk with Greg until I spent time with God. This presented many problems, 1) I rushed my time with God so that I could speak with Greg, 2) Greg did not get responses from me because I had not spent time with God, 3) I was unable to talk with Greg on the phone (causing me to neglect communicating with him), and 4) this could have easily bred idolatry. A boundary that was initially meant to honor God had so quickly turned into a quick opportunity to idolize my boyfriend. It is very important to make sure that your boundaries are attainable and if not to discuss your feelings about them with each other. Be honest. Your courtship should seek to please God and not to please each other.

As we continued in our courtship, we noticed that additional boundaries were important in order for us to protect our purity when we were with each other. In the first month of our courtship, Greg and I took a picture together (see below). 

 When we took the picture, he placed his hand on my lower back/hip area and this shot all kinds of tingles, shock waves, and electricity throughout my body. My flesh was super excited to feel his touch and this did not make my spirit man happy. Immediately after the picture was taken, I shared with Greg what I felt physically and we set the following physical boundary. *Greg was/is unable to touch me below my shoulder blades*. He is able to touch my hair, my face, my arms and my upper back (above the shoulder blades), but he does not touch any other part of my body (including: hands, lower back, butt, legs, and feet). It is funny because when we pray together in groups we will usually have someone in between us so that we will not hold hands and when we pray together by ourselves, we put our fists together. Greg’s additional physical boundaries included not sitting on his lap and not touching the inner part of his leg. He clearly has a higher body tolerance for physical touch than I do.

In our courtship, we understand that our flesh is not redeemed, so our flesh will always want the desires that we once exposed ourselves to, but 2 Corinthians 5:17 reminds us that, we are in Christ and that we are new creatures. The old “us” and our old ways have passed away, behold the new “us” and our new ways have come, through Christ.

There are times when we are both tempted to kiss each other, but because we have boundaries and we are both equally intentional about keeping them to honor God, the temptation subsides. I have asked Greg on numerous occasions to give me a kiss and he will repeatedly tell me “NO!”, walk away from me, and/or point me back toward our obedience to God with honoring our bodies because we are not of one flesh. This is the type of leadership from him that I admire so much. He truly cares about my purity and does not want to compromise it. Greg has never asked me for a kiss and I doubt that he ever will. One night when we were on a Skype call and he blew me a kiss. My reaction made him reconsider ever doing that again. I was upset, I wanted to get off of the Skype call and I felt disrespected. He apologized, I accepted, he understood how offended I was and has never made a gesture or hinted at a kiss from me ever again.

Boundaries are very essential in a biblical courtship. If you are single, I encourage you to consider discussing boundaries early on in your future courtship. If you are beginning a courtship or if you are in a courtship, consider discussing boundaries to protect your purity and to most importantly honor and obey God.