(A Man's Perspective- Greg Hutchins)
A
healthy courtship needs to be founded on a foundation of trust and
purity, so taking care of “dirty laundry” is something that needs to
take place early on. Your dirty laundry consists of all the things in
your past relationships that may have hurt you or caused you to stumble
in any way. Things like sexual partners, STD’s, and other relationships
fall into this category. Basically, any “skeletons in the closet” need
to be exposed. Other hindrances to intimacy and purity, like
masturbation and pornography should also be discussed during this time.
The
purpose of taking care of dirty laundry is to clear the air, establish
trust, and give you a clearer picture of the person you’re pursuing
marriage with. As a guy, you want to know if the woman you’re courting
has any sexual history and if she’s been scarred emotionally in any way.
Knowing this not only allows you to know more about her as a woman, but
also shows you how you can serve her and protect her more effectively.
If you know she has serious trust issues because of things that have
taken place in her past, you know that you may need to be more aware of
things you do with other women, as well as how you should communicate
and help her feel more secure in the relationship. Knowing her sexual
history will give you a heads up about how she feels about sex and how
you will be able to serve her better in marriage. If she has a rough
history, meaning there’s trauma or she’s just had bad experiences with
sex, then you know you may need to be more patient with her in this area
in the future. This time also allows you to know if you need to take a
step back or approach the relationship with a bit more prudence.
Now for some guidelines:
Both
the guy and the girl should air their dirty laundry around the same
time. It does not have to be at the exact same time, but it definitely
should not be more than a day or so between the two. Guys, it is crucial
at this time to be extremely patient and considerate of her emotions.
Realize that this is hard for her, she is making herself terribly
vulnerable. This is an opportunity for you to love her and be tender
with her, to protect her and show her that you still think she’s
wonderful, scars and all. Also, don’t be so hasty to react to the things
you hear. We all have a past and just because you’ve been getting to
know her more intimately doesn’t mean you won’t get caught off guard by
things that have happened in the past.
I
cannot stress enough the importance of prayer here. Both of your minds
need to be focused on the grace of God in Christ and what God’s will is
for the relationship. Prayer will also help keep your mindset where it
needs to be, which is on God. Guys, take the lead here, you need to be
in prayer before the conversation, and the two of you may need to pray
together before and after.
Be
honest and completely forthcoming. Don’t hold back, if you feel like
you should say it, then do it. Satan would love nothing more than to
capitalize on your holding back and not being entirely honest. If either
of you have questions, ask respectably and with great tenderness. Both
parties are dangerously fragile, and an offending word could do serious
damage during this time. Also, realize that this is a profound
opportunity to develop intimacy and trust in the relationship.
Due
to the high levels of emotion and vulnerability this conversation may
provoke, this conversation should be held off until you think you want
to seriously pursue marriage with this person. Otherwise, you may
overload the relationship by going to deep, too soon.
(A Woman's Perspective- Asia Williams)
Before
I entered my first and last Christ-centered relationship with Greg,
there had been a string of worldly relationships. These relationships
caused a lot of brokenness, confusion, pain, and growth. I knew that
what had happened in my past relationships, (all which were before I had
an intimate relationship with Christ), could potentially shape the way I
would act or react in my relationship with Greg. What I knew and
learned about those relationships were all influenced by the way that
society thinks relationships should be established (i.e., sex before
marriage is okay, women pursuing men is okay, shaping the guy into what
you want him to be, etc.). These things were all aspects that
contributed to my parting ways with my former boyfriends and men that I
found interest in enough to get to know.
I knew that Greg had nothing to do with the past relationships and I
knew that I did not want the brokenness, confusion, and pain that I
endured before him to be a part of the relationship in a manner that
would affect him. My past mistakes were not his fault.
I
had been a part of two dynamic bible studies (Tommy Nelson’s “A Study
in the Song of Solomon” and Matt Chandler’s “The Mingling of Souls (Song
of Solomon Study)”) and they both discussed Song of Solomon 2:15 “Catch
us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have
tender grapes.” (NKJV) Tommy Nelson suggests, “as a couple courts one
another and draws closer to a point of ultimate commitment, the
protection of the relationship is critical. This is where we must be
aware of the “little foxes” in our relationship, and one of the most
common is pre-marital sex.” It was important for me to discuss my past
with Greg, so that those “little foxes” would not harm what God would be
creating in Greg and I as a courting couple.
Two
days after Greg and I began our courtship, I sent him an email airing
out my dirty laundry. The email included detailed information about my
past relationships, past immorality, past impurities, and my male best
friend. It was important that I share all of this with Greg very early
on to be fair to him. To give him time to digest my past and to see if
he wanted to pursue a future with me. Not only did it give him an
opportunity to get to know the woman I was before I surrendered my life
to Christ, it gave me the awesome opportunity of coming clean about
everything and not feeling as though Satan had any information to
convince me to hide from Greg. It was all on the table. I felt free. My
past struggles and sin were laid out and I was very happy about it.
Not
only did I air out my dirty laundry at the very beginning of our
courtship, but Greg did as well. I remember feeling very uncomfortable
listening to him tell me about his past relationships, past immorality,
and past impurities, in detail. It bothered me so much to hear some of
the things he was saying because he was now “my” boyfriend. However,
what a blessing it was. I was so thankful that he was open, honest, and
willing to share this with me. It felt like Christ was giving us, as a
couple, the new pure and clean beginning that He gave us when we
accepted his selfless sacrifice of dying for our sins. I felt closer to
Greg! He knew me inside out and I knew him inside out! There were no
secrets hidden to come out in the open later in the relationship. No
potential things held back that could hurt each other. We decided to lay
it all out very early on and not wait until premarital counseling for
our dirt to come out. Those “little foxes” would not be allowed to
“spoil the vines; for our vines have tender grapes”.
We
encourage you as a single to consider airing out your dirty laundry
when you do begin a courtship. We also encourage you if you are in a
courtship to consider discussing your dirty laundry with your
boyfriend/girlfriend. Pursue God early on, as well as throughout your
relationship, so that together you both can grow closer to each other as
you grow closer to Christ.
“Catch the foxes for us,
The little foxes that are ruining the vineyards,
While our vineyards are in blossom.”- Song of Solomon 2:15 (NASB)
Here are some free resources on the bible studies I discussed. They are so worthwhile!
Tommy Nelson (free podcast) also available on DVD “A Study in the Song of Solomon” : https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/denton-bible-church-love-song/id148822180
Tommy Nelson
Senior Pastor
Denton Bible Church
Matt Chandler “The Mingling of Souls (Song of Solomon Study): http://www.gotothehub.com/the-mingling-of-souls-free-teaching-by-matt-chandler/
Matt Chandler
Lead Pastor
The Village Church
Nice perspectives on this topic! Would you recommend doing these studies by yourself or with your significant other?
ReplyDeleteThank you Neph! I would recommend doing both. It is a good idea to prepare your mind as a single before courting and to seek to study purity as a couple. Studying purity together will help ensure that you both are on the same page about being intentional about each others purity.
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